I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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