This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
