Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
