that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
