Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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