Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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