Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
