My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
