there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
