sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
tell me about the eggs
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