I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
