Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
