I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
