Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
