Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
