fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
