Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
