Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
