I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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