My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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