I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
