It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
