I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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