Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
