I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
