When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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