new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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