I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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