The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
