got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
