Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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