i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
