The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
