I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
