If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
