i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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