My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
