now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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