I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
