Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
