Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
