pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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