So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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