How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
