Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
