i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
