She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
