We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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