Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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