roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Randomize
